Well, today I decided to change out the hot water line which feeds the bathroom sink. The connection was cobbled together because 2 years ago I couldn't find one which had the correct fittings and the other day I just happened upon one so there I was under the sink.
After I finished that little chore, and while I was still under the sink, I decided I would see why the drain was running so slow even though we had put various drain unclogging materials in it. (ominous music starts playing softly...building...building...fading quickly...)
*digression*
The drain pipe which comes out of the sink has an opening for the stopper lever which goes into the pipe and connects to the stopper stem, thus allowing the stopper to be raised and lowered with a knob between the cold and hot water faucet handles.
DUH duh DUH!!!!!
We have put Drano type things in the sink before and they have been more or less effective, but not long lasting (There are two long haired women and two long haired teenagers in this house)
du da du da du da dmm dmm dmm dmm
I disconnected the stopper lever, but it wouldn't pull out of the pipe, so I continued by disconnecting the p-trap expecting to find goo and such...nothing but a couple of old pennies. (note to self: talk to kids about throwing money down the drain)
I then disconnected the down tube from the bottom of the sink (which contains the aforementioned stopper lever connection) and looked inside...odd, I couldn't see light through it, must be where the clog is...duh. (ominous music begins to build once more)
I grabbed the stopper lever stem and gave it a good steady yank and finally 'something' let go of the smooth metal rod and it came out looking none the worse for wear. It really felt as if something was holding on to it and then let go.
I used the lever stem to poke down into the pipe. It got stuck in what felt like silly-putty or some such thing and I had to again yank on it to get it out. OK, this is gross.
I got a large wooden dowel, crammed it down the pipe and pushed...it was working. I got a plastic bowl to catch whatever was going to come out the other end and pushed some more. Finally I saw something awful start to poke out the bottom of this pipe. It was black and gray and brown and slimy and stinky and it didn't come off the end of the dowel when it cleared the pipe. I tried pulling the dowel back into the pipe to scrape it off, but it stuck to the edges of the pipe...I pushed the dowel back out and the blob was exposed once again.
"OK", I thought. I can always wash my hands afterwards. With yuckiness approaching madness and goose bumps all up and down my arms, I reached out with my fingers and tried to scrape the blob off the dowel into the bowl. It was now stuck to my fingers. It was warm and, I swear, it was pulsing, breathing, sucking my life force through the skin on my fingertips. I had to get it off!!!!
I shook my hand at the trash can...it held fast. I went outside. I was going to fling this monstrosity into a garbage bag. I opened the bag and tried to scrape it off on the plastic. The sludge was now stuck to my fingers and the plastic bag, strung between the two like a piece of rotting intestine. I started to panic...this was going to devour me, I just knew it. I reached more of the plastic bag around my fingers and tried pulling it off, but it kept sticking to everything, getting bigger and stickier and hungrier now that it had the scent, the taste, of my flop sweat. I screamed the scream of the damned!!
One of my kids came out to see what the ruckus was all about.
"GET BACK...DON'T COME NEAR ME", I yelled.
The children...Oh my god, I couldn't let this thing get my children. I had to think fast, but I was getting weak and groggy. This devils slime wasn't going to get the best of me.
My youngest child was frozen with fear, eyes wide as saucers. "Gasoline....get the gasoline for the lawn mower". He just stood there, mouth agape, drool going down his cheek.
"GET THE GASOLINE!", I screamed at him. That did the trick. He went running off into the darkness. I was still trying to scrape off this horrendous ooze with the bag, but it was collecting everything it touched. I was flinging both my hands down as hard as I could, but it wouldn't budge, it wouldn't let go, it was becoming one with my hands, taking over.
My son came back after what seemed an eternity.
"Pour it on, pour it on quick", I said to him. He ripped off the cap and started dumping the gasoline on my arms, hands, plastic garbage bag, the lawn. I was soaked in it, but I could feel the monster begin to lose its grip. The gas was starting to make me dizzy. I got down on my knees and started scraping my arms on the lawn to get the goop off. "A towel." I said weakly. "Go get me an old towel."
My son came back with a towel, wrapped up my hands, the plastic bag, and the monster and began to pull all of the gunk off. It was working!! The gasoline was killing the beast (and dissolving the plastic bag). "More, keep wiping...more." My son wiped and pulled, but finally the mess was off me! It was finally gone!
I took a couple of deep breaths and stood up. My son was still freaked out. "What the heck was that, Dad?", he asked. I didn't know what to tell him. He's only 12. He wouldn't understand what can happen inside a drain. He was to young to handle the horror. Finally, I just said, "From now on, we have to be careful what gets washed down the bathroom drain. No more hair, no more..." It was too soon to talk about it.
I looked at the towel with the bag and the goo. It had all become an amorphous, congealed mess. I got a lawn and leaf bag, scooped it all up and threw it in the dumpster.
After I washed all the gas off me, I went back inside to finish the job I had started. I reconnected everything. I shuddered as I tightened the nut of the down pipe, remembering what had lurked there, what had almost devoured my flesh. I was done.
I took a hot shower and went to bed.